I've come to the conclusion that I no longer have any really close friends. This is something I've known for a long time and it makes me pretty sad. I don't want any sympathy and I'm not garnering for any support. But, as I said, it does make me sad.
As with the vast majority of folk. I've known a lot of people through my life but I've moved through various groups quite a lot. When I was younger I played in a lot of bands and got to know people reasonably well. Some of them very well. Then I joined the army and the same thing happened.
I got out of the army, worked in full time jobs and played in a lot of bands again. I got to know more people and the same thing... I re-joined the army. Same again. I got out of the army and worked for the police. Same.
The majority of the people I've known were acquaintances of some degree or another. Not close friends. However, I did think that I had some close friends even though I rarely see them. But then I got to thinking and came to the conclusion that I've been wrong. I don't have any close friends anymore.
I don't have any friends that I can call upon when things go wrong or get bad. I have a pretty small family but they're different. They're family not friends. I'm a long standing member of a wargaming club and I know most of the 80 odd members but none of them are close. I go to church and play in the band there but none of the people there are close either.
One of the more upsetting aspects of this is that I've forgotten how to approach people. That's my fault. Over the past decade and a half, I've had the tendency to shut myself off. I believe that's due to PTSD & the resulting depression. I'm astute enough to know that I do this and that it's not in the slightest conducive to relationships. Unfortunately, it's usually after the fact that I realise that I've shut people out.
I wish I could get back to those who were my close friends. I'm getting older and I miss them. I still have contact every now and then (sometimes with years in between seeing each other). But I know for instance: if I was to got to hospital with some sort of serious illness, no one would visit me. I know that 100%. If I really needed help, none of my friends would help me.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not all alone in the world. I'm married to a lovely lady and I mix with people all the time, although I do spend a lot of time by myself. But I miss not having close friends that care. Friend that are close enough to let me know that I can care about them too.
I need to rectify this.
